O happy day!

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O happy day! Empty O happy day!

Post  El.Mo on Mon Aug 01, 2011 5:17 pm

I just had an amazing realization, I will have to rewind a bit for integrity of the story. When I was younger I was deathly afraid of the rapture ( as in the coming back of jesus) the bible, my grandma, everyone around me made it sound so damn traumatic and awful. Just hearing it mentioned or thinking of it sent me into an all out panic, I wanted to vomit, I couldn't breathe, I had to go to the bath room, the whole nine I was distraught at the thought that someone could come and end it all before I had a chance to grow up and become the awesome person I just knew I would become, this behavior persisted well into my teens until I left the church scene and was introduced to a whole new dooms day theme in the "conscious community" so here it all went again. To add fuel to the fire, I hadn't really at this time put much effort into that awesome human I had plans on being, I took the hard road so to speak so when I was held at gunpoint when I was 18, I just knew I was going to lose my natural mind, how could I, a naive and albeit innocent girl let this happen??? I had too much shit to do and accomplish to have a near death experience!!!!!!!!!! needless to say I was in a perpetual state of panic for years. The last major episode came in the middle of the night in 2008 about 6 months after my son was born, I was startled out of my sleep and it was once again all downhill, I was outside in a robe in the middle of winter, I was shaking uncontrollably and thought I was about to die, I was put on meds and afterwards left my child's father as I felt I created this as a wake up call to get out. Mind you, the whole time I was with him, I had "lost touch" with myself and with every distraction in my life I kept putting off the effort to become the awesome human I keep talking about.... Fast forward to now, I am in nursing school, I love it but last week I guess the stress overtook me and I flew into an anxiety attack which led me to have palpitations and I convinced myself yet again I was going to die, the difference this time is that I had the wherewithal to examine the emotions I was feeling. Low and behold I was able to see that all those major anxiety events were wake up calls and reminders that I had something awesome to be doing and this last one that happened a week ago was me forcing myself to release the judgements from the past and realize that I am on my awesome human journey, finally!!!!! Smile *tears of joy*

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Post  Benita on Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:39 pm

Sounds like you had a major break through Very Happy. It's just amazing how we give ourselves these experiences in order move on into discovering and removing the next layer of stuff that we're unaware of even existing. It would have been really nice if I was able to see the light at your age. But I guess I had to pile on 30 years worth of additional layers to make my life more interesting today.

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