Fear of releasing suffering...

I realized today that I had a base program that went like this "In order to live you have to suffer and if you stop suffering you no longer live"... so on my path of enlightenment when I would experience those moments of pure bliss and calm and all around feeling good, a thought would come that surely something bad is about to happen to you because you are feeling better, it's a trick, you are going to die if you let go of the worrying, of the turmoil, somehow I had convinced myself that this was all I had to live for and if not drama and worry and fear then what?! Once I started to experience the "then what" I sabotaged the moment with thinking "there is now ay this can be your natural state, no one can have this much peace and be alive..." From the time I was a child I believed that suffering was the way of life and that I couldn't attain anything other than that and now that I am experiencing soooo much more than that it's like my mind is trying all is can to throw me off.... O the tangled webs we weave

Hi El,
Profound observation that is true for me too.


Without that basic program we would all be doing fun things and be in a 80% carefree state. It seems that is an important program for humans almost
as important as dividing or pre occupying us with fear, thus the need for protectors or authority, discrimination so the authorities (worst offendors) can
create laws to keep us in line, thus assuming we are unable to grow and see for ourselves, actually see each other, etc. Just a game with upside down inside out rules.
Remember the business of disease in Sonia's article. Backwards system. It is supposed to be about healing. Also in her book she said that
by the time we figure things out we are programmed to die. Or , the way she phrased it was something like, the program itself becomes known to us
after a certain number of years - 500 or so.

This morning I feel that everything we are doing with Sonia is a method to go on speed dial and use our energy to move faster through this
maze so that we don't have to see everything in order to get passed it, which would require me to be over 100 years old at this pace.
So I need to surrender and trust, blindly. Can't be bad since the whole world is upside down anyway.