The energy of fear

I didn't know what I was getting into when I said to myself that I wanted to get to know myself, I thought it would be all peaches and cream but o my, it has instead been an exploration into an abyss of shit I never wanted to surface or so I thought.... Expanding for me required that I truly take a look at my journey thus far, at what I was hiding from myself what I was lying to myself about and the absolute worst and hardest feat, what I was afraid of I dealt with the anxiety or so I thought but I kept noticing what I thought was anxiety but last night I realized it was the fear of the anxiety that kept it near and dear, when I realized that it was like someone pulled the curtains back and I saw fear in every nook and cranny of my life, o dear! Fear had been compounding in the back ground affecting every aspect of my life and it was so because I didn't want to deal with it, I would deal with anxiety but not the fear of the anxiety. I called Lisa in the middle of one of my episodes and I was at a lost, I had done everything I knew to do as far as facing what triggered the anxiety, or so I thought, between being on the phone call with Lisa and listening in, I finally realized that I had this gripping fear of it all. I stood in silence, stunned, it all made so much sense. Then on the call, I heard the speaker mention opening up to life and that statement opened up the floods of hell because I remembered the events where I shut myself off, where I built of this fear for protection and I woke up every morning and made sure I had my fear because I did not know how to live without it. I remember closing myself off and wrapping myself in fear, building this prison to protect me from life. In doing that I didn't realize I was not only cutting myself off from what i didn't want but also blocking those things that were essential to my growth, so it was a bit counter-intuitive because the fear that I feared I endorsed, harnessed and nurtured it allowing myself to experience things that would further justify my fear.

I think that there is an illumination going on. I do believe there are energies flowing to this planet.
I was gripped by fear for a week and it was not based on anything specific. I had to keep saying to myself, ok so what can happen here? Maybe I will
die in which case I am ready. Finally it broke and I lost some weight in between. I am now thinner and not very hungry. I understand that some of my
attitudes toward myself and other people were fear related. I was gripped by covert and overt fear.
Yesterday, I found myself saying I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid anymore. I am not but now I am sad. Don't know why either.
Sad and soft toward everything, I feel soft and sad. HM. I have deleted it.
It seems, before we overcome something it rages a final and intense battle. The fear was so intense before it melted that I thought I would indeed die.
What a grip it had on me.

I have been using the meditations channelled by the higher self (Benita posted the site) The other day in talking with a friend, he mentioned that
when one becomes more luminescent food consumption is reduced. So far the meditations with light are working in this respect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cp7fdtXZ3rc
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this is the post I have used to meditate - Benita posted it a few weeks ago this section is on fear, it is really good

Wow beachy thank you so much for your insightful post!!!!! The fear of death is what had me gripped. It was an imprint from childhood but the more I examine the more and easier it peeled away. I was always afraid of something or someone horrible happening to me and at the root of it all it was an imprint of unworthiness.... again thank you, your post helped me...

Thanks for the link. This is an issue I am ready to examine and release...

I am glad you posted this just now. As I read that you were afraid of death I realized I am afraid of living.

That's funny because, when I think about it, I ask myself am I rally afraid to live and expand? I create these things in my reality that keep me from experiencing the life that I say I want but at the core there was nothing in me that would attract a more expansive life only more of the same that I didn't want!!!! The more I break up the old unstable foundation I tried to build on the more I realize and the more I let go, no one said it would be easy but it is necessary and finally I feel more in touch with my life although I am having to exorcise my own demons. I had been avoiding this for so long, it's a relief to have the one thing I was running form knock on my door and force me to face it so to speak...

I know what my downmode was now.
I had pent up energies from a previous experience and they played themselves out.
I was back there, now I am not. A moment ago I saw the experience it was almost 15 years old and
the feelings were the same.

Thanks Benita, thanks El.

O that is so true beachy. We are relieving in our minds that experiences that had great impacts on us, while we have physically moved on, we are mentally stuck in a loop of applying those emotions and feelings from our "past" to our current situation.... PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) lol

I deleted it today let's see what happens.
My mind is crazy busy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3ryJEp4km4&feature=autoplay&list=UL48XpAHMy7C4&lf=mfu_in_order&playnext=1

this guy is saying wha Sonia has been saying worth the listen